


Stop It, Stop It (Just Let Me Out)

by seeyounextfall



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor Lives AU, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, and my first time posting on here, kind of spoilers for episode 2x15 of shadowhunters, lots of me projecting onto connor, mentions of past suicide attempt, so sorry if the tags are bad, this is my first time writing deh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 23:17:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11473728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seeyounextfall/pseuds/seeyounextfall
Summary: Guilt eats away at you until you're nothing left, but a shell of a person not really wanting to keep going. Yet, there's no point crying over it, not when you're the one who messed up, right? Who cares about you being so tired of screwing everything up, when there's the mess you made to clean up.orTree Bros watches Shadowhunters and Connor relates a little too much to Clary in this episode.





	Stop It, Stop It (Just Let Me Out)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Good For You" from Dear Evan Hansen
> 
> This is my own interpretations of Evan and Connor... With partially me venting through Connor. I apologize in advance for the excess dialogue. Also the suicide attempt is only mentioned and the suicidal thoughts are minimal but existent throughout the story.
> 
> This takes places in an AU where Connor didn't die, but for the most part, the events of the musical still took place. There's a mention of the most recent Shadowhunters episode (2x15) and so there's sort of a spoiler, but nothing too bad.

Apologies get trapped in the back of Connor's throat as he closes his eyes tight. Every part of his body feels tense while overflowing with too much feeling. If he thinks about it, it's kind of hilarious how he can spend days doing nothing except for lying in bed, feeling completely devoid of emotion, yet here he is. The anger feels like a fire and Connor so badly wishes he were burning himself, though it seems he's only capable of setting the rest of the world aflame. Connor can vaguely hear Evan's voice, a sound he's become so attuned to. Right now, however, it's lost in the haziness of how bright red and burning everything else feels. It's as if every mistake is tearing at him, it's Connor trapped in a room and all he's ever done wrong has turned into banging fists against the walls he keeps up out of fear of himself.

"—nor? Connor, can you hear me?!" Evan's voice seems more panicked than before. "Connor, just– just focus on my voice okay? It– It'll be alright. We can talk. We can– We can just talk... But you need to calm down."

Connor's eyes open, frantic, with his boyfriend's face being the first thing coming into focus. Then the sound of his own breathing seems to cut through the fog, and suddenly every noise comes alive. Now it's not just Evan and himself, it's the crickets outside that won't shut up, it's the running of the sprinklers outside the Hansen's, it's the cars going up and down the street, and it's the television playing in the background because, that's right, he just got set off by a stupid show. How messed up is he? He, Connor Murphy, just flipped his shit because some red-head girl with fancy tattoos just broke up with her boyfriend who used to be her best friend, but kind of isn't anymore. He wears badass boots and has had almost two years of therapy, for fucks sake! He's supposed to be better than this.

"Connor? Can I– Can I touch you?" The voice of the other human in the room interrupts his thoughts.

Though Connor's voice is scratchy, he manages a weak, "Yes", and his eyes follow Evan's hands as they reach to gently, though shakily, take his hands. The blonde boy slowly rubs the tension out of the extended fingers, coaxing them into a more natural position. Connor feels slightly on edge at the action, always being slightly insecure about the habit he'd develop in replace of the balled of fists that only make him feel more prone to physicalizing his anger.

The taller boy takes in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as the muscles in his body seem to relax. Evan just sits patiently with Connor's hands in his own, observing the way Connor's eyes still look filled with heavier emotions, even as his shoulders fall and he leans against the hallway's wall. It takes a while, but Connor eventually looks more tired than anything else.

"Sorry 'bout," Connor gestures aimlessly, not sure of what words could explain what happened.

Evan lips turn up, slightly, "We could– could sit? And then... Um... talk?"

The other nods, Evan guiding both of them back to the couch they were once situated on. They spend a while in quiet, watching the show still running on the television, though not really comprehending what was going on. At the same time, they turn to speak.

"I–"  
"Well–"

Evan laughs nervously, hands quickly going to wring the hem of his shirt, as Connor reaches to pause the show. Both are then left in a strange silence, one that feels a little too empty, even though there's a million other sounds going on. Their breathing fills the room, almost waiting for the other to say something while not really wanting the other to say anything at all.

"It was the stupid show," Connor starts.

Evan looks at his boyfriend, "Note– Noted."

Pushing his hair behind his ear, Connor lets out a broken chuckle, "It's, like, really stupid... 'cause it really isn't the show, y'know? I like the show. I watch the show. So it can't just be the show.... But, like, it's the show. Or this episode."

Nodding, Evan hopes his lack of verbal response pushes Connor to keep explaining.

"It's... I just... It made me think, a lot, and I didn't mean to, but it did. And it really doesn't have to do with– Well, actually it does sort of have to do with a recent thing... But it shouldn't matter! ... Because it's different," Connor gets increasingly frustrated as he loses the words that he needs in the transition from his brain to what's being said. "I decided to quit my art class last week.

"Which sounds really stupid to be angry about, because, like, I'm deciding to quit. But, like, I know my teacher needed people and I thought I could stick it out through the summer, but I just can't," Evan leans forward in attempts to read the other's face.

Two pairs of blue eyes meet and Connor sighs, looking back towards the coffee table, "I'm just so sick of feeling guilty.

"It's like I know, I know I'm not the victim in this situation. I knew the class was too much, but I wanted to try... Needed to try. And even though it wasn't something I was necessarily interested in, I figured I might like it. Turns out it's shit. It's boring and not what I wanted to do... I mean it's nice, but spending everyday doing it, on top of all the stress from figuring out other school stuff, and getting through therapy and group meetings and crap, I just, I can't. And now it's all a mess because I should've just not done it. Now I'm letting down my teacher and he's a great guy, but the class sucks, and I'm pretty sure Larry will just add it to the list of things I've quit, but I can't not quit now.

"It's like I don't want to disappoint Mr. Wade and I've been trying to be more... Considerate of others... But, out of respect for him I don't want to keep pretending that I actually like what he's teaching me? It's like wasting his time and I don't want to do that... Even though, I guess I have and I feel like shit about it."

Evan frowns, "Don't– Don't beat yourself up about... About figuring something out for yourself."

"But why not?! I'm just hurting people!" Connor runs a hand through his hair, "All I keep doing is fucking up! I mean just two weeks ago, I made you cry over something stupid like milk. Milk! And before that Zoe and I fought and before that Larry and I fought and my mom is upset that I haven't figured out what to actually do in school and... I just... Now, I'm just hurting someone else!"

"Connor..." Evan reaches out to stop the other boy from pulling on his own hair.

"I feel like shit, Evan. I feel guilty and terrible... Like, it's nothing new, but like, it's suddenly occurred that I'm a really terrible person. And it makes me want to die. It shouldn't... I mean it has before, but it shouldn't. Because if I'm hurting other people, why should I complain about the guilt.

"All I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself and getting angry at myself, instead of fixing the problem, but I don't know how to fix the problem! I don't know what to do or say to fix this and I'm stuck feeling like this! And I, I keep thinking... Maybe I should just stop? Maybe if I stop doing anything, everything, then I won't fuck up anymore. No more 'Connor Murphy has an episode' or 'Connor Murphy can't handle himself' or 'Connor Murphy messed up and hurt someone else'. If I just... If I just stop... Then I can't mess up. I can't and I won't hurt anyone. 

"Because it seems no matter how much I learn from my mistakes and be better and take my pills and show up to therapy... I'll just keep making mistakes over and over until everyone gets tired of being hurt and decides to walk away," Connor lets out a teary chuckle. "I'm so fucked up. I'm supposed to be getting better, but here I am, wanting to die because I'm too tired of feeling guilty. And on top of being damaged, it just me pretending to be the victim!"

The shorter boy finds himself at a loss for words, not really sure of what to tell Connor. Evan gets it, he does. He lied about being Connor's friend, for months while Connor was in a coma, of course he gets guilt that eats away at you day by day until suddenly you just want it, and everything else, to stop. Evan gets it. But he doesn't know what Connor would want to hear, doesn't know what to say to make Connor feel better... Because the guilt isn't undeserved, despite it being something you're forced to push past.

Evan fumbles for the right thing to say, yet suddenly exclaiming, "Villain!"

Shocked by both the sudden increase in volume and the ambiguity of the statement, Connor raises a puzzled eyebrow, "Should I be offended by that?"

Evan eyes widen as the possible implications of his statement dawn to him, "No! No! I didn't... No. I just– Well, I... I just meant that... I meant you see yourself as, well, you see yourself as villain. But you're not... Like how I'm not, or at least, how you said I'm not."

Connor still puzzled, turns completely to face Evan, "You aren't evil, Evan."

"I know! Or I like to think that..." Evan chuckles nervously, "Neither are you."

The taller boy laughs, "Sure, Hansen, whatever you say."

"I mean it!" Evan pouts slightly. "You– You don't think I'm some terrible person, right? Even though I spent half of senior year pretending to be your friend while you were... While you were in a– in a coma. I lied over and over just so I could feel better about myself and yet here we are, dating."

"Well..." Connor looks to his lap as he comprehends what Evan's trying to say, "I mean, you fucked up, but you had... You were really lonely and kind of desperate, I can't– I won't hold that against you as a person."

"There you go," Evan smiled slightly. "We make mistakes. Some, some worst than others. We can't– can't fix them all, but... We can try and we can avoid making them– avoid making them again. And we'll always feel, feel some guilt, but it's part of what seperates the bad... Actions, from the bad people. Lying isn't good. Anger and bullying and manipulation and cheating isn't... It isn't good. So we're far from good people, far from perfect people.

"But, you are not a bad person. You had the integ– integrity to quit. You– You apologize and change, you always work to be better, and that, that's important. Sure, your mental illness, my mental illness, none— none of that— is an excuse. Yet, it explains things, it makes, makes things understandable and if you're... If you're doing everything to be better, then why should every past mistake be held to your character?"

Evan pulls Connor into a hug, "I don't believe you're a villain... Just a person who has... Fuc– Fucked up."

Connor slowly wraps his arms around his boyfriend, breathing in the slight pine-scent of the room. The silence that covers them feels almost warm, with the soft running of the fridge, the barely-there turns of the fan, the light sounds coming from the draft from the window, and the unison breathing of the two men. Each of them lets the words that hang in the air settle into their skin, in hopes the other lets the message be heard, as they themselves cannot fully absorb the full truth in each syllable. There will, always it seems, be things they shall see in the other, but not themselves, yet when you hear things enough, you start to believe in them... Just a little bit.

Pulling away slightly, Connor breathes, "You're not a villain either.

"Just someone who has, as you say, fuc- fucked up," He mocks before placing a chaste kiss on Evan's lips.

"Shut up," Evan laughs as pushes away Connor's face. "The swearing is a result of... Of your bad influence."

Fake gasping, Connor brings his hand to his heart, "Hansen! I'll have you know, I am only ever polite in my speech."

"Polite my ass," Evan crosses his arms.

Connor smirks, "I'd be happy to."

"What the– What the hell– What does that even mean, Connor?!" the blonde boy splutters, almost falling off the couch, only to be brought to balance by the taller boy reaching out.

"Why don't we find o–" Connor interrupts himself with a yawn.

"Why don't we rest?" Evan smiles, pulling Connor down with him, as he adjusts them into a lying position.

"I love you," Connor sighs softly, wrapping an arm around Evan.

"Love you," Evan kisses his boyfriend, before turning around to change the television station to some Gordon Ramsay show.

And in that moment, Connor isn't so terrified of fire. Not the fire that burns beneath his and Evan's feet, the one that feels like warmth and coming home, the one that covers the world in light and dances along to the beating of their hearts. It's the fire that they walk upon, the one that makes Connor believe that maybe, just maybe, he can be the person he wants to be.

**Author's Note:**

> ... I take constructive criticism and would appreciate it a lot.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
